Why I need a new alarm clock

The other day I had one those mornings where I glanced over at my "Realistic" brand early 80s clock radio with simulated wood and had no choice but to rip it from the wall and hurl it into the ground, exploding it instantly into about 53 pieces. This felt good except ever since I have used my cell-phone alarm to wake up. Now, using your cell-phone as an alarm clock requires that you leave it turned on, not on silent, all night. If you appreciate sleep, this can be a problem. Take last night, for instance. Last night a Breakpoints contributor, who shall remain anonymously Bot Broadus, called me about 4-6 times between midnight and 2:OO am. Here is the official transcript of the messages he left:

Message No. 1:
"Breakpoints, Motherfucker makes points, When I come through I be like a snake, when I annoint....to the Charmer, Motherfuckers know I be the DC Bomber, You can't get more calmer than Mo, I be like embalming fluid on ho's, making them smoke...my dick up their nose.......[UNINTELLIGIBLE]............."

Message No. 2:
".................[UNINTELLIGIBLE]............."

Message No. 3:
"......[UNINTELLIGIBLE].............[GRAPHIC].................."

Message No. 4:
"........I'm watching a midget play ping pong.....Fuck that shit, I will lay a fat chick tonight, that is my way, my dick is.....[UNINTELLIGIBLE].............[UNINTELLIGIBLE & GRAPHIC]..............[UNBLOGGABLE]........."